Back in (Maternity) Black

Back in (Maternity) Black

October has brought a crisp chill to Georgia. Even Covid can’t stop me from enjoying my pumpkin spice latte or wrapping up in my favorite fall scarf. The season changing has inspired me to do some changing of my own. A return to things that truly excite me.

I know that I am no different from anyone reading this. 2020 has been a challenging and often overwhelming year for us all. For me personally it has been a year of deep loss, isolation, relational struggle, growth, happiness, and great surprise. The good, the bad, and the lonely…this year has challenged me in emotional ways that I was not prepared for.

In January, I lost my father. The first man I ever loved. My daddy. In the midst of planning my son’s 2nd birthday party here in Georgia, I got the devastating phone call from Indiana that my father was dying. Bo and I loaded the kids into the car and drove through the night in the pouring rain to get there in time to say goodbye. We arrived within minutes of his passing. I’ve seen death before. But seeing him there in the hospital bed struggling to breathe and swollen from his failed body, it hurt worse than I imagined. My words seemed to fail me in the moment. How do you say goodbye to the man who raised you? The man that coached your sports teams and sat front and center in every dance performance, video camera in hand. The man that taught you how to be brave and independent. The man that held you when teenage boys broke your heart. I still don’t know the answer to that. My goodbye and my words were just not enough. And my heart is still raw from missing him.

Shortly after his death, a tornado devastated our neighborhood in Nashville. Our home (and thankfully the homes of our best friends/family) remained standing. The drastic loss of life and property in our neighborhood has had lasting effects on our community. And of course, shortly after the tornado devastation, Covid reared its ugly head. For Bo in I in Georgia, that meant many nights/weeks of Bo being partially quarantined on base at Ft. Benning. I was quarantined at home with two small babies. Navigating work, babies, sanity, health, grief, and isolation left us both incredibly depleted. It was a very difficult and dark time for our marriage. A marriage that we both want and strive to make exceptional. We both had nothing to give yet needed more than our share.

The month of May seemed to bring life back into a pretty grim and harsh year. We spent time with our family and found renewed joy, partnership, and admiration in our marriage. The world seemed to be slowly returning to normal and it filled me with hope. We excitedly discussed our personal and professional goals for the road ahead. Which for us, included waiting a bit for baby number three. As most of you know, we love being parents and want more children but we were excited to put that on the back burner for a bit and focus on the life in front of us. As you probably also know…God had other plans for us. A missed period and two pink lines confirmed…we would actually NOT be waiting for another baby. We are pregnant with baby number 3 and due in March.

Even when you want another child, a surprise/unplanned pregnancy can be a real shock to the system. Add in pregnancy hormones, severe morning sickness, and two emotionally charged toddlers and you can imagine the chaos. It was a hard beginning to my third pregnancy journey and one that I still struggle with on especially difficult days. I am incredibly grateful and excited about this new little life growing inside of me. As I’m entering month 5 of pregnancy, I love seeing my belly grow and feeling his/her little kicks and movements. For the first time, we will be waiting until birth to find out the gender of our new family member. We are both excited about experiencing such a momentous surprise. As this little one has surprised us from day one…it seems only fitting.

Bo has just finished his first command position in the Army and has recently started a new role here in Georgia. We are both hoping that this new position allows him more freedom and time. My husband is the hardest working man I know. He’s passionately attacking his real estate investment career while still giving 110% of his attention and care to the men and women he serves in the military. I see him really pushing himself to do things outside of his comfort zone and I am constantly in awe when I see him in action. Outside of his professional and personal goals, he is also a loving husband and attentive father. Probably his most challenging and demanding role of all.

So that’s what we’ve been up to. And life is moving forward. I like to think of myself as a “New Yorker”. Although I only lived there for 6 years, that time in my life really impacted who I am as a person. When I used to fly home to Indiana from NYC, my father would often tease me for only wearing black. I still support the chic and always appropriate choice to wear black (and leather jackets for that matter) but lately the thought of my father teasing me has brought happy tears to my eyes. And it’s time. Time to return to myself. I am back in black. Or at least…back in all of my black stretchy maternity clothes. I’m excited to write more. To share more with my family, friends, and my community. To grow more. And to experience and embrace this new life as a mother of three.

Xoxo
Tara Layne

My Beautiful Storm

My Beautiful Storm

There’s just something about the rain. I can remember as a girl, my father would drag me out of the house to watch a storm roll in. We would watch as the clouds turned grey and wait until lightening lit up the sky. I would scream as the rain poured over me and he would laugh, occasionally pushing me to stay outside and experience it. I would run inside as soon as I could only to turn around and watch him fearlessly stand in the storm. I will never forget watching those storms with my father.

As a grown woman, rain seems to follow me. It rained on my wedding day. It has rained on almost every occasion I’ve planned for myself. On August 26th, as I drove to my last appointment with my midwife, the clouds began to roll in. We hadn’t seen rain here in Georgia for weeks. Maybe longer. But as I parked my car and walked into the hospital, the sky opened up and rain drops started falling. That is when I knew, she was coming.

I didn’t share my intuition with my midwife. But after examining me, she confirmed that our baby girl would be here shortly. I was elated. Excited that my body was preparing to give birth. As a woman, I am truly amazed of what our bodies are capable of. I had waited 9 long days after my due date to go into labor with Camden. And with her due date falling on the following day, I was filled with renewed confidence in my body’s capability.

I had decided months before Georgia’s birth that I wanted her to enter the world surrounded by the strong and beautiful women that Bo and I are lucky enough to call family. My mother Myrrl Layne, Bo’s mother Maggie, and our sisters Mackenzie and Nicole. There are so many layers and memories that each of these women contribute to my life. Far too many to list here. But when I envisioned my baby girl’s future, I thought of us all sharing the memory of her birth together. And I imagined drawing strength from my tribe as I brought her into this world. Looking back, I know those choices led to the deep connection we all now share and I couldn’t imagine it otherwise.

After I left my midwife, I spent the afternoon with my Mother and Maggie who were already in town. We laughed, we ate, we played with Camden. We enjoyed the day. As the afternoon progressed, our baby girl started her journey into this world. She came on quickly with contractions starting around 4pm at only 4 minutes apart. Bo arrived home shortly after. He had taken Command only a few days earlier and the hours were already adding up quickly. I labored in my bedroom and showered as my family made dinner.

When the contractions hit the 2 minute apart mark, we decided to leave for the hospital. I remember seeing my baby boy as he was getting ready for bed. Blissfully unaware that his life would never be the same when he awoke the next morning. I knew the gift he was getting by having a sibling in his life, but that didn’t seem to numb the pain I felt saying goodbye to my only baby. The little boy that made me a Mommy. His Mommy. That he now had to share. My heart ached as I kissed him one last time as my only child. I told him about the beautiful year we had together. Just he and I. And how it was the best year of my life. He smiled as if he knew.

As we arrived to the hospital the pain had overwhelmed me. I labored there in the dark hallways of a closed military hospital. Bo was by my side encouraging me of my strength and coaching me through the pain. Somewhere around midnight, we were admitted at 7cm. It is a miracle to be pregnant. It is a miracle to be moments away from meeting your child. My sisters and mothers arrived just in time for me to begin pushing. Seeing them all walk through the door of my hospital room renewed my energy. I was ready to meet our daughter.

At 5:36 am, on a rainy summer morning, on her due date, surrounded by family, I gave birth to my daughter Georgia Layne. I will never forget the immediate love and appreciation I felt when they laid her on my chest. Bo and I were overcome with emotion when we saw her for the first time. She was a large 9lb, 3oz baby girl that immediately quieted when she was placed on my chest. She was here. This little person that I’d been planning for and dreaming about for over a year was in my arms. And it was perfection.

Just remembering that day, isolated from what has followed, is how I like to think of it. I’d like to tell you that those feelings of love, accomplishment, gratitude, appreciation, safety continued and only multiplied from there. But that isn’t what happened. Shortly after her birth, we returned to the hospital frightened for our daughters health. What followed…the testing, the ambulance transfer, the fear, the loneliness, the guilt…that has overwhelmed my first few months as a mother of two. I have often compared these feelings to drowning.

Thankfully Georgia is healthy. And beautiful. She loves to sleep, smiles when she sees her Papa, and holds her neck up like a pro. It has been the highlight of my life to see my two children together. I love them both beyond measure. I wanted to share our whole story, not just the parts that are easy to write. I hope talking about it more heals my heart and sharing it with you, reminds you that you’re not alone. I hope that whatever journey you’re on right now, that someone see’s you. I hope that you are brave enough to let someone in and that they are fearless enough to hold you through your storm.

Xoxo
Tara Layne

Baby Girl

Baby Girl

Little girl,

Your brother woke up early this morning. I went into his room and rocked him hoping he would drift back to sleep and I could return to my bed. In the dark early hours of the morning, you started moving your little body against his. I sat there in his rocking chair feeling you both in my arms and committing the moment to my memory. Some day when I am holding your children, I want to be able to recall this. To look back to this morning and remember the overwhelming rush of love and gratitude that I felt for my own little ones.

As I sat in the dark, I thought of our journey together over these last nine months. The excitement and anticipation of wanting and trying for you. The gratefulness for each growth milestone you passed. The joy of knowing your movements and hearing your heartbeat. I will cherish those memories above all the other less appealing pregnancy woes. What a gift it has been to experience your body entangled within mine.

The thoughts of you drifted to my own mother. Many years ago she sat in this very rocking chair with me inside of her. Feeling my movements and envisioning me in her arms. That thought hurt. Moments pass and I am reminded how quickly vivid memories seem to fade. I hope she can still feel with certain clarity, what it was like to hold this love inside of yourself. And I can only pray for you and I that we get to create the lifetime of memories and the deep connection that my mother and I have experienced together.

Your birth is nearing. As I held you both and lost myself in thought, I felt my body ache. You are making progress. Your brother had given up on sleep at this point so I brought him into my bed. We got under the covers and I told him about you again. He is too little to understand but his life will be changing too. He will now have a sister. A friend for life. And you will have a very sweet and tall big brother to protect you. You sure are lucky to have him.

We are ready for you little girl.

XOXO
Mommy

Georgia on my Mind

Georgia on my Mind

The squirmy and sweet little girl inside my belly must be a dancer. While she and I are both gaining weight rapidly, I am reminded that my body is not my own. There is a little girl growing and starting her journey in this world. A world full of love, beauty, heartbreak, and hopefully…a lot of dancing.

Slowly, the guest room is emptying and a nursery is taking shape. It’s the one room that I am looking forward to organizing. Most women enjoy the second trimester, but I don’t agree. The third trimester carries all the magic and excitement of pregnancy. Strangers congratulating you and touching your belly, shopping for baby clothes and organizing the nursery, and then of course counting down and anticipating the birth of this new little miracle. Such a magical time.

I am still adjusting to our life here in Georgia. Bo has been in a training course that is nearing completion and many of the people we have met are off to their next duty assignments. Stories of hectic moves and looming deployments have become common chatter amongst our group of friends. Thankfully for us, Bo will be taking command of a company here at Ft. Benning. We feel very blessed to know that he will be staying close to home for the foreseeable future and I don’t envy the strong wives that will be kissing their husband’s goodbye over the next year.

As our friends adjust to their new assignments and prepare to leave Georgia, I am preparing to give birth to my baby girl. As it was in DC with Camden, we will start our new family life without friends and family. A truth that doesn’t get easier with each new occurrence. If all goes as planned, our mothers and sisters will make the trip to Georgia for her birth. We will spend a week of quality time together breathing in her new smell and welcoming her into our tribe. Too shortly after her arrival, our family will leave and Bo and I will be adjusting to life alone with 2 under 2.

Living life hundreds of miles from our people weighs heavily on our hearts. Making new friends is imperative to our happiness in these new places. However, I find it very challenging to make new friends while pregnant. This pregnancy specifically has been very challenging on my body and I haven’t made the effort to connect with new friends. Something I desperately want as I bring this new life into the world.

There are only so many conversations my husband will endure about pregnancy and nursery decor. Only so many times he can nod and smile empathetically to my hormonal reactions on a daily basis. He’s a strong man…to be the only friend and family member of a very pregnant Georgia woman. I try to remember that when he needs the occasional “bro” time. And he tries to remember that as he opens his 4th beer and watches me begrudgingly sip pink lemonade. We are in this together.

As our baby girl reaches the final stages of development and prepares to join our family, we too prepare for our new life. One where we push ourselves to grow. Not just the growth that happens to an expanding family, but one of choice and intention for change. In new and existing relationships alike.

I look forward to liking you Georgia. I look forward to feeling at home here and finding “our spots” around this city. To seeing my husband’s investment goals here become a reality and learning how to be a working mother of two. To meeting new friends that will make life here in Georgia so much sweeter. I look forward to doing it all. Hopefully…while sipping a glass of wine.

Xoxo
Tara Layne

April Showers

April Showers

Spring has found its way to Georgia. Our newly planted flowers have bloomed and sitting outside under our patio lights, watching Camden explore his new surroundings has become my new favorite spot. April has made its way back around on the calendar, as it tends to do on a yearly basis.

April is a beautiful and celebratory month for my family. It is the month of my husband’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, and Easter. April is actually the month of several birthdays and anniversaries in my extended family and one of those birthdays belongs to my sister, Erica. After losing her to a car accident almost 19 years ago, April 24th will always be her day.

Maybe a woman never recovers from the loss of her sister. In my adult life, there have been so many moments that I have wanted her by my side. On my wedding day or at the birth of my son, her absence weighed heavily on me. And as I start this new journey as a mother to a baby girl, I ache for her guidance. And sisterhood.

It has become evident to me that female relationships in my life aren’t just important, they are critical to my happiness. And as I’ve built those relationships over the years, I am often surprised and hurt by the ones that don’t last. The deep friendships that are somehow set aside selfishly or injured and never repaired. It can make venturing into new friendships terrifying.

Laying that fear aside for the reward of new and deeper friendships is imperative. Next weekend, I am taking a trip with my two sister-in-laws. As I think of the trip, I can only wonder what it would be like to bring my own sister. To introduce her to these beautiful women and share experiences together as mothers, friends, and most importantly…sisters.

Some days are still hard without her. As I sit here writing this I wonder if she is looking over us. Enjoying the view of my new patio and watching my belly grow with anticipation for her niece. I will always miss my big sister. But especially in April.

Xoxo

Tara Layne

Made for More

Made for More

What is your morning routine? How do you start your day with purpose and joy? The morning routine has been a frequent topic in my conversations with my husband and my new friends here in Georgia. It seems to be on a lot of our minds as we intentionally setup our lives to get the most out of them.

A couple of weeks ago, as my first trimester morning sickness was easing and my mind was drifting to personal goals outside of creating tiny humans, I began to purposefully wake up earlier. Before Camden started daycare 3 days a week and for the first year of his life, it was he and I. He was my alarm clock, my noisy coworker, and my first priority. My “me” time was limited and my own personal endeavors/growth/goals seemed nonexistent. It was both wonderful and stifling as most new mother’s can attest.

Having a child seems to have had the opposite effect on my husband. For the last year, he has invested much of his thought into his career goals and dreams and devoted substantial time to personal growth and development. Which is wonderful. It has helped push me to grow and want more for myself. I decided to set my actual alarm and start my day with intentional time for myself. And that has changed everything.

In the early hours of the morning, my house is still dark. My husband has already ventured on to work or is hovering over his computer, podcast in his headphones. I make our bed, kiss our puppy, and saunter down the hall to make coffee. I usually head to my desk and begin my day with writing. I write the things I’m grateful for and my goals in a notebook as I sip my frothed coffee. Baby is sleeping. This time is for me.

As my day progresses, there are emails to return, boys to be fed (big and small), commutes, contracts, boxes to unpack, laundry to be folded…but for that hour, I am intentionally myself. After I journal, I allow the time to serve me. If I wake up with the desire to Pinterest baby girl nurseries for an hour…I do that. And I don’t feel guilt. Or expectations. I enjoy it and remind myself to embrace all parts of me. Most mornings, before I know it, I hear the softest, sweetest noises coming from the room next to mine. I flip on the monitor to see a little boy sitting patiently in his crib waiting to greet his own day. He is ready. And now…so am I.

Xoxo
Tara Layne

Two Pink Lines

Two Pink Lines

Before you existed I dreamt of you. I wanted you. How strange to love someone who doesn’t exist. How could I see my family, perfect and whole as they are and want more? How did I deserve more?

The honest truth is that raising a newborn baby is hard. It’s beautiful and the best thing that ever happened to us, but it changes your life. Expectations of your spouse grow and the lack of sleep hinders effective communication. Resentment is swift to creep into the cracks. Around October, Bo and I were coming out of a difficult season. And thankfully connecting in ways we hadn’t in years. Maybe ever. With love and respect as our guide. And that’s when it happened…the thought of you.

Amid conversations on packing up our current home (yet again) and details of the renovation project in Georgia, I managed to fit you into the discussion. For us, adding to our family is a big decision and one that we wanted to be certain of and make together. And although you were already on my mind, I knew your Papa might not be ready. And I was nervous to be vulnerable with my thought of you. One October Saturday, after a family trip to the gym and over the draft beer that followed (the healthiest of days) Bo and I had the “I’m ready for another baby” conversation.

I remember it well. And I felt supported by my husband and truly heard. Which is exactly what I needed. We finished our beers, walked home, and decided to revisit the conversation after some thought. In the early morning of December 1st, we woke up in our Arlington townhome. Surrounded by boxes and bubble wrap. He held me as he told me that now…he wanted you too.

Christmas morning. There you were. Two pink lines.

We love you.

Xoxo

Tara Layne

Back to Benning

Oddly enough, Ft. Benning felt like coming home.  When I met Bo years ago, I was living in New York City.  Happily I may add.  And my future husband was stationed at Ft. Benning and in the process of completing OCS (Officer Candidate School) to commission as an officer in the United States Army.  I knew nothing about military life, or Georgia for that matter….but he was charming.  So charming.  A romantic idealist that always felt like home to me.  Eventually, I left New York and after Bo completed the coveted Ranger School, I moved to Ft. Benning to join him.  That story alone is a book.  Hopefully one day I will be brave enough to share it.

So here we are.  5 moves later, it’s back to Benning.  Life is quite different this round and thankfully so.  Years ago, I loaded up 2 suitcases, my new car (hadn’t driven in 7 years as a New Yorker), and our puppy Jackson and we moved into a furnished one bedroom apartment.  Now days it takes a moving crew, a large rental truck, weeks of our lives, usually a loan to purchase a new home…and typically a new pregnancy.  But somehow we manage time after time and I swear to never do it again.  Until next year.

This move was a little different.  We are doing our first “flip” and renovating a beautiful traditional home nestled in a Columbus neighborhood.  The house is my husbands passion project as he dives more and more into his real estate ambitions.  As with most things, you learn best by being hands on.  So while Bo is in Captain’s Career training, I’m working for an event staffing agency out of NYC, starting a blog, raising a 1 year old, managing an AirBnb property in Nashville, and growing our family with baby number 2…we are flipping.  Flipping a house.  And flipping out on each other regularly.

It is such a blessing to live this life that I have chosen and we have built.  And although there are growing pains, it is an adventure.  Soon enough the kitchen sink won’t be leaking, the walls will be painted, and our boxes will be unpacked.  Until then, I will remind myself of those two kids that moved in together all those years ago.  Playing house and imagining their future together.  Unaware and naive to the road ahead.  Lucky kids.

xoxo,

Tara Layne

Just start today…

Just start today…

Just start today.  The famous three words that plague us all regardless of the subject.  The new diet and workout plan that will have you looking like Giselle in no time.  The career change that will fulfill your passion and allow you the freedom and bottomless bank account of a RHWONY.  The desire to travel and experience other cultures and emerge transformed and worldly.  We all dream and aspire to be more then our current selves.  

I have always been a dreamer.  I romanticize and usually look back on memories and turn them into beautiful novels in my mind.  After marrying my husband and having a beautiful baby boy last year, my dreams and aspirations for the future have changed.  I used to dream of meeting my future husband.  I wanted him to be passionately in love with me, a partner through life who appreciated me unconditionally, my rock and my protector.  My husband Bo is many things to me.  He is my best friend, my husband, my teammate, my co-parent, my provider, and my home.  Please don’t let our instagram fool you.  Life hasn’t been easy for our new family.  Dealing with years of a long distance relationship, moving to a new city every 18 months, deployments, new jobs, a surprise baby…has left us with some scars along the way.  My husband is a good man.  He is strong and driven to make his way in this world.  He has taught me a lot about loving someone else the way that they feel loved and not how you think they should feel loved.  He has taught me a lot about happiness and choosing to be content in the quiet moments of life.  Most importantly, he has taught me that I am capable of change.  Real change.  Change that pushes you into being unafraid to be whoever you want to be.

So here I am.  I am starting today.  I have wanted to blog and share my journey as a former New Yorker/daughter/Army wife/ mother/friend/woman for such a long time.  As an Army wife, I have moved frequently.  With each move there are new jobs to find, new friends to make, and so so so many boxes to unpack.  As we settle into our new Georgia home and start that process all over again, I am reminded of the community that I feel as I read blogs of women doing the same thing.  I hope to share my life in a real way that empowers you to listen to that undeniable and deep desire in your heart.  And then just go for it.  

Start today!

Xoxo,

Tara Layne

Dear Camden,

Dear Camden,

Munchy,


I am sitting at the top of our stairs.  Directly between your bedroom and mine.  You’ve managed to army crawl your way out here and I’m defending my computer against little hands and endless curiosity.  I’m answering work emails and creating quotes for clients.  In my jeans. On my wood floor.  With nothing in the background but the sound of your voice and hands discovering new textures.  I don’t think you’ve made it this far on your own yet.  You’re on an adventure.

I’m struck by the moment.  We caught eyes and you sat up.  You smiled and began babbling.  I thought of my own mother.  How she must see me and how one day I will not be able to recall this moment as real as it is now.  I cherish you.  I cherish our days together.  Even when you’re teething as you are now and keeping me up all night.  I can’t imagine looking into your eyes next year…let alone 10, 20 years from now.  

You won’t remember these days.  Maybe that’s the hardest part for your Mommy.  Our days and many many nights spent tucked in each others arms.  But I hope it instills me into you.  If I am not here to tell you about these moments, I want you to know they existed.  You and me.  I love you little boy. 


xoxo

Mommy